Lack of Communication Skills

3. Factors That Make Conflict Intractable

Although we all communicate with others every day, we seldom give much thought about how to communicate well. And when we are in conflict, it becomes even more likely that we communicate in ways that make the conflict worse, rather than better.

For example, when people use vague language, give excuses or incomplete explanations, or fail to provide context for their assertions or beliefs, others often misinterpret what the speaker meant. They interpret the other's statement according to their own worldview and frames, rather than the worldview and frames of the speaker. That causes misunderstandings which can snowball into disagreements, distrust, and animosity, especially if people assume negative intent behind what was said.

Even when the content of a message is reasonable, poor delivery—such as an angry tone, sarcasm, or dismissive body language—can trigger defensiveness. People often respond more to how something is said than what is said, which can heighten tension.

Ineffective listening can also cause misunderstandings. We often only listen with "half our brain," using the other half to compose a good comeback to what is being said. Or we hardly listen at all, because we think we know what people are going to say. Or we interrupt because we are more interested in getting our point of view into the conversation, rather than hearing the speaker's.

All of these behaviors cause people to become frustrated, perhaps angry, and they fuel conflict. So, too, does lack of communication. One common response to conflict is withdrawal—people avoid the person they are upset with, or the topic that is in contention, because they don't know how to talk about it effectively, and think it is better not to talk at all. This, too, can be misinterpreted, making the other person think that the withdrawn person doesn't care about the issue or about what happened.

All of these communication mistakes become all the more likely when emotions are triggered, and people get defensive, afraid, and/or angry. That creates an escalating feedback loop: people communicate in ways that create anger and misunderstandings, the listener(s) respond in kind, and communication gets increasingly destructive.

As is true with other conflict overlay problems, however, these mistakes are avoidable, if one learns how to control one's emotions, slow down, actively listen, and use what we call "de-escalatory communication" to respond in tense or conflictual situations.