Destroys Relationships

2. Intractable Conflict Threat and Opportunity

Decorative Masthead Graphic

Damage to relationships is almost inevitable in intractable conflicts. Relationships that had been friendly, open, and trusting no longer are so. Walls go up, as people move farther and farther apart. The "norm" becomes distrust, fear, anger, and hostility, where friendship and trust prevailed before.

Strained or broken marriages are an example. Newlyweds, generally, are in love. As time goes by, some relationships get stronger and stronger, while others start to deteriorate. Sometimes this deterioration is caused by a specific event: physical abuse or an affair, loss of a job or death of a parent. Or, the deterioration may grow slowly over time. The couple may develop different interests, or they may start to have disputes over "little things" that are handled badly and begin to drive them apart. Positive interaction is increasingly replaced by negative interaction: criticism, putdowns, power struggles, and abuse. John and Julie Gottman, well-known marriage researchers, have identified what they call "the four horsemen of the apocalypse" in a marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These lead to intractable marital conflicts, which then typically lead to divorce.

The same is true in many other kinds of relationships, from interpersonal to international. People on opposite sides of a long-running conflict tend to avoid each other, or be watchful when the other is around. Information is no longer shared; that which is shared is no longer trusted. The longer the conflict has lasted, the more the hostility and distrust becomes identified as the "normal" relationship, and the harder it is to re-establish the openness and trust that existed before the conflict started. So damaged relationships are somewhat like a one-way street with no street going the other way. It is surprisingly easy to go down that street -- but it is often very hard to get back.