Thoughts about Thanksgiving and Holiday Conversations
Newsletter #403 — November 25, 2025
Much of this post is a reprint of Newsletter 243, Talking with Friends and Family about the Election, which we sent out in June 2024, in advance of the summer family travel season. As we started to think about the conversations we are likely to have over Thanksgiving (and during the coming holiday season), however, we thought that many of the ideas presented in that newsletter were worth revisiting.
EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT REMINDER: If you are interested in learning how the Community Relations Service did the impossible, read the newsletter coming out Monday Dec. 1, and consider joining us on Wednesday, December 3, 12:30–2 pm EST for the launching of the new Civil Rights Mediation Oral History Project website.
Here in the United States, we are entering Thanksgiving week and soon the winter holiday season, when we often travel (sometimes through dire conditions) to visit with family and friends, eat too much food, and perhaps drink too much too. Although this is a joyous and fun time for many of us, others find it difficult. They may not have family, they may not think that they have much to be thankful for, or they may not want to talk to relatives whom they find difficult. More often those "difficulties," these days, involve politics. It is for that last group of people that we want to share our thoughts.
Although we usually advocate reaching out to and engaging with others across the political divide, in this case, we think it is important to tread carefully and consider the reason for engaging politically before we decide whether to do that, or not. Do we really want to learn what they think and why? Are we willing to accept them and love (or at least respect) them, despite the fact that their views are very different from our own? Or, do we want to change their minds (and their votes)? The first might be possible if we engage carefully, though it still is not without danger. The second is much less likely to succeed.
Given the deep feelings that so many people hold in today's hyper-polarized environment, such conversations can easily undermine and, perhaps, seriously damage some of our most important personal relationships. The deep-rooted nature of these tensions means that it is very easy to interpret conversations which pose even minor challenges to our political beliefs as personal attacks. These are also the kind of conversations that can quickly escalate into bitter, embarrassing, and damaging confrontations — especially among family and friends, who we tend to think should be on "our" side.
As we have often written before, political opinions are based on a lifetime of interpersonal interactions, as well as the information (true and false) that we glean from the media. If we live in different places and pay attention to different media sources, we are likely to have vastly different understandings of what is going on in the world around us and why. We are also all being constantly reminded, by subtle clues from those around us, that we don't want to deviate too far from "the party line." As a result, we all tend to spend much less time thinking critically about the things that our side stands for, and whether there is any merit to the arguments of our critics. We just tend to assume that we are right and they are wrong. This manner of thinking doesn't lend itself well to constructive conversations with family and friends who are "on the other side."
For this reason, we are usually inclined to honor the time-tested advice of avoiding talking about politics — unless participants really seem to want to productively engage in such a conversation and are willing to give it the time and attention required. (Here we are talking about important relationships with those who are closest to us — people whom, in other contexts, are valued, respected, and a big and positive part of our lives.) We think it is foolish to damage such relationships simply because they and we have been ensnared by giant societal trends over which we have very little control. These relationships are what holds us together as a family and a community. In difficult times, these are the last things we want to lose. So, often the best thing to do is to honor the fact that, in a democracy, citizens really do (and should) have very different views — views that emerge from their unique life experiences. We should respect the diversity of opinion that results from these differences without impugning the integrity of those who hold them.
Having said all this, there are cases where people do want to talk. In other posts, we and many others have suggested the importance of talking to people who are different from ourselves, because we can learn that they aren't nearly as awful, or indeed, nearly as different, as we thought they were. And Thanksgiving and other holiday get-togethers actually do provide chances to have such conversations that aren't often available at other times.
If you are going to do this, keep in mind that it can't be done with quick, off-the-cuff comments. It needs to be approached carefully, making clear you really want to learn what the other person is thinking and why — not to prove them wrong, but to get to understand them — and the world we all live in — better. You need to give such conversations a lot of time and a quiet environment, where people who are not interested, or who might be disruptive, won't be around to disrupt.
We have linked below several guides and additional articles on how to have such conversations productively. The key, however, is almost always what conflict professionals call "active listening" or "empathic listening." This involves listening intently, not allowing oneself to be distracted by outside events, and not listening while simultaneously composing your own "comeback." Rather, listen with empathy, and for deep understanding. And after the speaker has finished explaining what they wanted to explain, then reflect back to them what you heard. Not like a parrot, saying exactly the same thing in the same way, but rather, in your own words, confirming that you really did hear them and understood correctly what the other person said. You don't need to agree with them, but you do need to understand them. Doing this also increases the chances that they will be willing to listen thoughtfully to what you have to say. This is even more likely if you highlight points of common ground, while respectfully considering differences. The goal should be respectful dialogue with an exchange of ideas and sometimes thoughts about what should be done (personally or in terms of policy) based on those ideas. The expectation should not be some kind of major political transformation, but rather better understandings among the family and friends and stronger relationships.
Talking across difference can be useful both personally and socially. These conversations, when combined with accumulating information from other sources, can result in important refinements to individual worldviews and an incremental step toward a more positive family, social and political environment.
But one should consider one's purpose for the conversation, the context, the amount of time available, and the conversational and conflict management skills of the people involved before deciding whether or not to engage. The following links provide suggestions about how to have such conversations productively.
- Facing the Holidays, and Each Other - Guidance from Essential Partners, dialogue experts on when and how to engage in constructive Thanksgiving dialogues.
- EP Guide to Conversations Across the Partisan Divide - A free downloadable guide from Essential Partners
- Defuse political tension in your family with one simple question - An interesting report on the value of curiosity and how to harness it for good conversations.
- Talking with and Listening To People on the Other Side - An earlier newsletter that has much more detail on how to do this well than we included here.
- Empathic Listening -- Richard Salem writes, "I spent long hours learning to read and write and even had classroom training in public speaking, but I never had a lesson in listening or thought of listening as a learnable skill until I entered the world of mediation as an adult."
Lead Photo Credit: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez From Unsplash.com. https://unsplash.com/photos/yellow-flowers-decor-bJPn27RFg0Y. Free to use under Unsplash license.
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About the MBI Newsletters
Once a week or so, we, the BI Directors, share some thoughts, along with new posts from the Hyper-polarization Blog and and useful links from other sources. We used to put this all together in one newsletter which went out once or twice a week. We are now experimenting with breaking the Newsletter up into several shorter newsletters. Each Newsletter will be posted on BI, and sent out by email through Substack to subscribers. You can sign up to receive your copy here and find the latest newsletter here or on our BI Newsletter page, which also provides access to all the past newsletters, going back to 2017.
NOTE! If you signed up for this Newsletter and don't see it in your inbox, it might be going to one of your other emails folder (such as promotions, social, or spam). Check there or search for beyondintractability@substack.com and if you still can't find it, first go to our Substack help page, and if that doesn't help, please contact us.
If you like what you read here, please ....
Please Contribute Your Ideas To This Discussion!
In order to prevent bots, spammers, and other malicious content, we are asking contributors to send their contributions to us directly. If your idea is short, with simple formatting, you can put it directly in the contact box. However, the contact form does not allow attachments. So if you are contributing a longer article, with formatting beyond simple paragraphs, just send us a note using the contact box, and we'll respond via an email to which you can reply with your attachment. This is a bit of a hassle, we know, but it has kept our site (and our inbox) clean. And if you are wondering, we do publish essays that disagree with or are critical of us. We want a robust exchange of views.
About the MBI Newsletters
Once a week or so, we, the BI Directors, share some thoughts, along with new posts from the Hyper-polarization Blog and and useful links from other sources. We used to put this all together in one newsletter which went out once or twice a week. We are now experimenting with breaking the Newsletter up into several shorter newsletters. Each Newsletter will be posted on BI, and sent out by email through Substack to subscribers. You can sign up to receive your copy here and find the latest newsletter here or on our BI Newsletter page, which also provides access to all the past newsletters, going back to 2017.
NOTE! If you signed up for this Newsletter and don't see it in your inbox, it might be going to one of your other emails folder (such as promotions, social, or spam). Check there or search for beyondintractability@substack.com and if you still can't find it, first go to our Substack help page, and if that doesn't help, please contact us.
If you like what you read here, please ....
Please Contribute Your Ideas To This Discussion!
In order to prevent bots, spammers, and other malicious content, we are asking contributors to send their contributions to us directly. If your idea is short, with simple formatting, you can put it directly in the contact box. However, the contact form does not allow attachments. So if you are contributing a longer article, with formatting beyond simple paragraphs, just send us a note using the contact box, and we'll respond via an email to which you can reply with your attachment. This is a bit of a hassle, we know, but it has kept our site (and our inbox) clean. And if you are wondering, we do publish essays that disagree with or are critical of us. We want a robust exchange of views.
Newsletter #243 — June 9, 2024
By Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess
