Things YOU Can Do To Help

Today's big conflicts are not created--or solved -- by leaders. Certainly, leaders can affect conflicts – sometimes profoundly. But everyone alive contributes to these conflicts – for better or worse – in myriad ways. By selecting what we read and what television we watch, we are forming images of the world situation and the way it works that differ from the way others see it. These images become very deeply-rooted in our psyches, making learning new things much harder and less likely. Where we choose to live, with whom we associate, how we spend our time, what we buy, and how we vote all contribute to the system that drives many intractable conflicts.

But just as we inadvertently (and sometimes intentionally) contribute to escalating conflicts, we all – really all – can play a constructive role in de-escalating conflicts and making them more constructive. We just need to have an understanding of what we are doing to make conflicts worse, and then take action ourselves to make them better. None of us can act alone--but thousands people acting independently can change the "tipping point" of a system, making it transform into something much more constructive.

Things YOU Can Do To Help Posts: This set of posts contains posts highlighting things everyone – not just powerful people, not just important or rich people – but everyone of us --can do to help limit the dynamics that lead to destructive and intractable conflicts.

Each post contains one idea, explains very briefly what it is, how to do it, and why we suggest it. It then has links to more information about each idea--sometimes one BI essay or MBI video; oftentimes several essays and/or videos with more details.

Infographics: Things You Can Do To Help posts are supplemented by a collection of Instagram-style Infographics highlighting simple but important ways in which we can all contribute to efforts to handle conflict more constructively. These graphics are free to print, use, and share under Creative Commons License CC BY-NC-ND 4.0.

Things YOU Can Do To Help Posts

Don't Take the "Hate Bait" -- Hate begets hate, fear, anger, and eventually violence. Don't fall into the trap! And if you are in, climb out!
Practice (and Preach) Civility in Public and Private Discourse -- Incivility begets more of the same, while civil discourse can help de-escalate conflict and improve relationships.
Seek Co-existence, Not Total Victory -- The demand for total victory is a recipe for continuing and deepening strife--co-existence is essential for peace.
Treat EVERYONE With Respect -- Respect is free to give, yet its payback is huge: breaking down stereotypes and often earning respect in return.
Confront Constructively -- An essay exploring what a more constructive (and more effective) strategy for confronting injustice might look like.
Pick Your Fights--Let Things Go When You Can -- Fights cost lots and may be lost! If you can live and let live, it is often much better for all.
Try Collaboration First! -- If we dig below positions, we often can collaborate with "our enemies" to the benefit of all.
Listen To and Talk With (not to) the Other Side -- Even if you think you know what the other side thinks, you likely don't--and they don't know you either.
Find Others to Work With -- Alone we can do a little bit, but with others we can accomplish much more. Collaboration works!
Play a "Third Side Role" -- "Third siders" are disputants and outsiders - united in a desire to transform conflicts for the better.
Minimize the Use of Force -- Exchange and respect are more powerful than force--they persuade without causing backlash.
Understand Your--and Others'--Fundamental Human Needs -- Fundamental needs are common drivers of conflict. But they don't have to be.
Persuade People By Meeting Their Interests Too -- If you can let the other side win something too, the chances of cooperation go way up.
Break Down Negative Stereotypes -- Don’t assume a person you don’t know is just like you expect them to be. Give them a chance to surprise you!
Be Willing to Consider the Possibility That You May Be Wrong -- Most of us are so enmeshed in our own worldviews that we don't consider that we might be wrong. It helps to listen to outsiders and consider that possibility.
Listen Actively and Empathically -- Empathic listening is amazingly powerful--sometimes that is all that is needed to defuse destructive conflicts.
Allow Your Opponents to "Save Face." -- No one likes to be humiliated--allowing your opponent to save face will help defuse a conflict.
Focus on Fixing the Problem, Not Attacking People -- Attacking people makes them angry. Enlisting their help to solve a mutual problem is more likely to work as hoped.
Sound the Alarm -- People don't realize how destructive their conflict behaviors often are: we must sound the alarm to spur change!
First, Do No Harm -- Doctors promise to, at a minimum, “do no harm.” People who want to improve conflicts should do the same.
If You're Not Part of the Solution, You're Part of the Problem -- Conflict is created by everyone--it becomes better or worse depending on what all of us do.

Infographics:

Feel free to use these however they are useful, as long as the use is not commercial). According to the Creative Commons License CC BY-NC-ND 4.0, also please don't alter them or remove the attribution information.

It is impossible to effectively address a conflict
if you don't understand what is going on.
It's never a simple us-vs.-them story!

See the conflict's complexity:
Parties, their attributes, relationships, issues, dynamics, and power are among the many conflict elements one must clearly understand.

Relationship maps
can show
who and what
relate to
whom and what.
Maps also show where interventions
can have the most benefit.

The quest for total victory is
a recipe for continuing and
deepening strife.
Coexistence offers a path
to a peaceful future.

Hate begets hate, fear, anger, and eventually violence.
Don't fall into the trap!
And if you are in it, climb out!

Conflict isn't just a spectator sport…
where all you do is cheer for the home team and celebrate the "big hits."
Get in the game and do what you can to make it constructive!

Don't assume a person you don't know
is just like you expect them to be!
Give them a chance to surprise you!

Attacking people
makes them angry
and intensifies opposition.
It's better to be easy on people
but still
tough on the problem!

Respect is free to give,
yet its payback is huge!
It breaks down negative stereotypes,
and replaces them with
mutual respect.

Don't sell your soul to
authoritarian / plutocratic
"wannabes."
They don't care about you!
Apart from a few token gestures,
they won't really defend your interests!

Don't take the "hate bait" and
let provocateurs use inflammatory propaganda
to drive us apart!
If we look, we will find we have a lot of commonalities and actually can work together!

Remember it's more than just
"Us vs. Them."
We have common interests
that we need to recognize
and work together to protect.

Defend your interests on the basis of common values
that are in everyone's interest
to uphold.
And, honor the requests of others when they are consistent with those values.

Challenge the behavior of individuals
who act in ways that you oppose.
But don't act as if all members of their group are responsible for their behavior.

Even if you think you know
what the other side thinks,
you likely don't.
And they don't know your thinking either.
It's time for dialogue--not competing insults!

At the very least, practice
"Pragmatic Empathy."
Empathize with your adversary enough to understand how you are making them mad, and then
Don't Do It
unless you absolutely must!

No one expects their "enemy" to
empathically listen to their concerns.
If you surprise them by doing so,
it can profoundly improve relationships!

Incivility begets more incivility!
Civil discourse, however,
can help de-escalate conflicts,
improve relationships,
and solve problems.

Emphasizing
Persuasion
and
Mutually Beneficial Compromise
while
Limiting Your Use of Force
is more likely to produce sustainable progress.

Snappy, gratuitous insults
motivate
your adversaries
as much as
your supporters!

Don't just complain when your adversaries
act in ways you oppose.
Look for and compliment them
when they act in ways you can support!

Give people face-saving
ways of walking back statements made
and actions taken
in the heat of
escalated conflict.

Help start to reverse the escalation spiral
by walking back and apologizing for
overly inflammatory things you said or did
in the heat of an escalated conflict.