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Introduction:
Can a persons
family meet all of their expectations and needs?
Probably not, according to Nancy Ferrell.
Recognizing this, outlining what needs and expectations can
and cannot be met, and creating a space where the trust level is such that these
conversations can take place honestly are key components to creating a happy
family.
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This rough transcript provides a text alternative to audio. We apologize for occasional errors and unintelligible sections (which are marked with ???).
Trust in Families
Nancy Ferrell
Private mediator and trainer
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Q: Are there non-negotiables in terms of those needs? Are there needs in
families where one member of the family says I really need this and the other
member of the family says I absolutely can't provide you with that. And then
family member A says, well, then what are we doing here?
A: The thing that comes to mind is the ethical dilemma or moral dilemma about
what's acceptable or non-acceptable as far as a need is concerned. And it always
goes to sexual things. What if I need more than one partner. Is that okay? Well,
no, I don't think so. So, where's the boundary? That's where the ground rules
have to be built with the expectations and the need statements. What are our
ground rules for a relationship? And is monogamy one of our ground rules? For
some people it's not. But for me it is, so in our relationship that would have
to be one of our ground rules.
Q: So, explain to me the difference between a ground rule and a need.
A: The ground rules set the parameters.
Q: In this setting, we're talking specifically about a family mediation
setting. So in a family mediation setting, what's the difference for a family
between a ground rule and a need?
A: The ground rules would tell me where the boundary is in terms of
resources. How will we manage our money, sexual and emotional satisfaction is it
bound by certain things? And then within that, I need more experience or more
diversity in our sexual relationship or our emotional relationship or whatever.
That's fine within the bounds of the ground rule, which is that it's a
monogamous relationship. But we can still meet some needs other than that, as
far as diversity and having some different kind of experiences. There is a
shared responsibility as far as money. I need to have some control over the
money or some cooperative relationship about how we spend money. That's great.
We need to work this out together. But what if on a particular situation I
really need X number of dollars to do a certain thing? How do we negotiate that?
We're still going to negotiate it together, but I need this and we need to talk
about it. So the framework is the ground rules and then the need statements are
the things that we have to deal with within those ground rules.
Q: So the degree of the ground rule is like the need. The ground rule is
almost like the bounds, the limit.
A: The outside limit.
Q: And what can we achieve within those limits.
A: Yes, within those limits.
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